Silverlake Shaman reported missing after Venice Grunion Run
May 27, 2017 – Armed with nothing more than a tote-bag she purchased from Bali filled with essential oils and Moon Dust, Dakota Sunshine Love-Breeze (name IRL: Zoey Waldorf) went missing last night during the elusive Venice Grunion run. Her self-proclaimed “cis-male life-partner”, Leighton Wojoselwicz, reported to the Abbot Skinny this morning, “We got to Venice breakwater last night exactly when the the flyer said…10:30 pm, and I brought a fresh growler of my buddy Jake’s nitrogen infused truffles and cream craft-beer he makes off-grid up in Pomona…so y’know, I was driving all day trying to create the best night ever for me and Zoey…I mean, Dakota…” He tosses the empty growler into the ocean while stuttering his words. “Friggan’ Bali man! She goes to Bali for a month, comes back and just disappears into the Venice night?!” He looked desperately into the Venice breakwater for answers. There were no answers. A surfer in the distance, “Go home kooks!”
The sun had come up this morning and the annual Venice Grunion run was long over. Leighton, completely out of his element, slightly drunk from homemade beer and angry at himself and the world, would be the lone Grunion warrior left, a Justin Bieberish caveman in the outback. “And there were no…no….no….no, f*cking grunions anywhere!” Leighton shouted in dismay. With his so-called “life partner”, Dakota Love-Breeze, missing in action he wondered, “Where could she have gone? One second we were laughing it up with this group of women doing some kind of ritual for the Grunion…you know, they were real locals…I’ve seen them on instagram.”
He sniffs a booger.
“Like REAL Venice Locals! They all had these loose fitting dashiki dresses on and were dancing around each other with patchouli candles and sage singing ‘Where is my mind’….”
This reporter was beginning to see what might of happened to Dakota and reached out to soothe the lost hipster, “Ok, calm down home page.”
Unconsolable, frightened and wondering how he would get back to Silverlake, Leighton adjusted the perfect 45 degree angle of his emo-bangs. “Then the next second, I’m by myself and all the girls were gone. Vanished. Like, totes not even thurrrr, brah!”
We asked Leighton, “Did you at any point notice if these locals were in possession of Amanda Chantal Bacons Moondust?”
“I don’t know, maybe. Why? Yea – she was all about getting the dust, this book by Ram somebody and a princess crown – whatevs man, Zoey’s gone…what am I going to do?”
Our eye for what’s hip and who is who on the Abbot Skinny scene revealed another newly heartbroken cis-male with a haircut from 2016 stranded on the oceanfront. It was a common scene and an all too familiar pattern. Should we report the heartbroken Pomona-Interloper to the Venice Council or tell him the bad news; that “Dakota has upgraded and found her sisterhood.” Or do we let him sour-patch out under the Venice Pier until someone at Townhouse deals with him next Friday?
It was a tough decision to make.
If we didn’t give him the skinny, he might stick around town or worse grow his beard out and start booking shows for his downtown friends electro-grind-core synth-pop soul band, Trust-Fund Crusties.
Do we tell him the unspoken Venice rule that the XX-chromosones variant of humans in Dogtown are only to (a) be referred to as ‘Goddesses’ and (b) never looked at in the eyes unless they’ve spoke your name six times in a row?*
What a tough decision to make on a day meant to mark the Grunions annual sex orgy. The Venice annual Grunion run is super important to Venice history.
Grunion Peeks out
A legend states that old man Abbot Kinney made a deal with King Neptune at a poker table that the surf of Venice would be protected for eternity as long as the Grunion (a horny fish under full moons) could have an outdoor silent rave once a year followed by mass fish orgy. Since then, finding the Grunions rave location and shining lights on them while laughing at fish-out-of-water oddly humping each other has become a local ritual. However, today on this Memorial Day weekend here in Venice a somber tone would mark the 2017 Venice Grunion run. What happened to Dakota Sunshine Love-Breeze?
Stay tuned to the Abbot Skinny as we report live on the search for the Silverlake Shaman and leave your comments below for any tips. Leighton should still be somewhere on the beach although he does not have a man bun, which disqualifies him from everything.
*as indicated in Man-Bun Overlord Manifesto decree #9
