Alfredo Boobadini, founder of set-top appliance/online sex tool Blowchat has announced a merger with Paul Cokenfold’s VR underwear line, Jockulus. In an unprecedented, unpredictable and uncanny last blast effort to keep users coming endlessly, Boobadini explained, “We shortened the whole affair to BlowJock.”
Cokenfold, sitting adjacent to Boobadini (and his twins) added, “Or BJ Inc. for short.” “It just seemed like the right fit,” Boobadini interrupted, “Neither Paul or I are quite sure what to do with all this organic growth – I mean all of his users already came. It’s huge.”
Blowchat, the go-to app for the alt.alt.left.diagnol.straight.left, had been no stranger to playgrounds before the merger. Shortening their name to the more elegant and quite classier Blow Inc. and reidentifying as a “people” company instead of a creeper hide-out was step one.
Driving down the SnapChat pedestrian walkbridge. #speedway pic.twitter.com/pA52CSLQOX
— Venice 311 (@Venice311) December 21, 2016
The Walk of the Creeper Milly’s courtesy of @Venice311, embodying the archetypes they hold dear; 9 figure paychecks, Zombies, White Male Privilege, Joysticks and Penis Issues.
“We really wanted to get over the hump of folks thinking we were just making it okay to give fellatio in public while streaming in real-time to an audience in Bangalore,” Cokenfold commented as he adjusted his complimentary under-trouser Jockulus. It seemed he was in a virtual JockRoom during the interview.
The writer of this article could not contain himself. At this point, it was clear after covering Silicon Beach since its inception in 1 ADC (after-death of commodore, on our calendar that’s around 1999) – watching Venice go from an artist enclave to a peep show for adolescents worshipping their plasma screens, it was enough. I had to confront Cokenfold.
“So is mandating public fellatio among kids who have no ability to discern what is wrong from right, alright? I don’t understand what you are saying, Sir Cokenfold, if you can elaborate on that statement…” the seventy-six year old writer of this article asked a twenty-three old multi-billion dollar CEO (whose living is made of encouraging children to video themselves in sexual positions.)
“I’d rather not clarify,” responded Cokenfold. “Who needs clarity when you have hashtags? This is about the synergy of Jockulus and Blow Inc., to bring the next level for these little idiots…sorry, I meant organic robotoids…”
Boobadini had been listening to Cokenfold during this part of the interview. Either that or himself was in a Jockulus playroom. I could only surmise this due to a phlegmy substance expectorating from his oral cavity while remarking to the Blow Inc. CEO’s, rash confession on his feeling towards their users, “Ehem…[cough, cough] Paul, did you call our user base organic robotoids? Isn’t that a bit micro-aggro?”
It was clear this merger would not be as lubricated as the Silicon Beach Scene once thought. Cokenfold does not come to the merger clean, having had a bit role in the late-2011 failure of mojo-centric social network ‘Girth.’ The controversy was lead by feminist blogger and game critic Dweezle Momma who claimed the ‘Girth‘ network was, “…primarily a place for creeps, like Cokenfold himself, to dangle deeznuts disguised as a silicone donor program.” She was only partially right as Girth never donated the profits to any silicone donor program instead siphoned off three-billion dollars into an offshore bank account in Siberia. Cokenfold refutes this claim, however, explaining that Dweezle Momma herself was “…putting out fake news! Get it, the the proof is not in the pudding!?”
I didn’t get it. Nor did Girth’s main investor Gwyneth Paltrow who pulled out, apparently lead to believe the company was a woman-only detox brand to be used by the new Tinder economy when switching relationships. Paltrow explained in a statement after she found out about the size of Girth’s overall penetration, “…it had nothing to do with coffee enemas, like he promised. It was just all filler.”
To defend himself from Dweezle Mommas accusations against him, Paul laughed at the entire backstory and claimed “She was hating! Dweezle had been attached to the silicone donor program herself and she’s just mad! I personally accepted her own silicone donations for unnamed body part enhancement,” Cokenfold remarked.
The entire affair was brushed underneath the sheets.
Jockulus and Blowchat founders at Silicon Beach Christmas Party with their D*cks in Boxes.
Cokenfolds handler commented on the situation, “Paul was just trying to promote organic growth by caressing the silicon donors, sometimes tighter, sometimes a bit laid back, but it was mostly just lubrication control for the second phase.”
Sounds sensible. But this writer must inform the reader there are many holes in this story. Some holes are larger than others while other holes are completely holed up. All in all, it’s a wholly unholy story with a large part of it being two assholes who used daddy’s money to get a bunch of kids addicted to their sh-tty app and now those kids are infected with a lack of moral compass and are primed to be the complicators of the new American fascism. Just another day on Silicon Beach, where fascism and social darwinism come home to roost next to this guy.
Night & Day. Day & night. Screaming. Punching. pic.twitter.com/YQDXKxTNNo
— Venice 311 (@Venice311) November 29, 2016
Note: This article is obviously satire. Everything is obviously alright and there is nothing to worry about while SnapChat, oops, Snap Inc dispatches their white izod shirt wearing fascist police force to exclusively protect their anemic socially maladjusted workforce while the Venice community get squashed by a company that encourages teenagers to stare at themselves. We would never make-up fake news!
Massive tent city has erupted around the Venice GooglePlex
Did you like this article? Why not check out our previous investigation into Google Venice…